Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Discouraged - Disheartened - Dissatisfied RED HEADED REALISM

I think I do my best writing when I'm unhappy. Is that normal?

I have been applying to jobs today. And the day before. And the day before that. And it goes on and on and on and on. Strangers! Waiting! Up and down the boule... wait, that's Journey.

But seriously, I am so unhappy. I put on a good face every Sunday when my church family asks me how I am, but I am not good. I am bad. Which is the opposite of good. I should be doing something productive with my life. But I don't know how to move forward. I feel like I'm perpetually stuck on an everlasting treadmill. Today I made a profile on to be a babysitter/nanny. But I really don't want that. I've been watching other people's children since childhood. I've been doing it so long that if it were the military I would be a sergeant by now.

The trouble is, even if I knew what would make me happiest and/or God happiest I don't know that I have the ability to attain it! I mean, what does a girl have to do to get ahead in the world?

That's not a rhetorical question, I'd love an answer.

In 5 days it will be exactly a year since I graduated college. And what do I have to show for it? NOTHING. Not one thing. Oh wait! I have a car that needs a massive brake overhaul, so there's that. I still work at the YMCA. I still live with my parents. I am still stuck in childhood and I don't know what to do.

I remember being so frustrated in my last year at Bryan that no professor or mentor could quell my fears about life beyond school. They had no magic formula for how to make it in life. How to be successful and attractive and make people just hand you things. And as far as work hard and things will happen for you, well that is crap because I am a really hard worker. But that is completely irrelevant when no one will give you work! What my frustration boils down to is that it doesn't matter how skilled, talented, adaptable, intelligent or even experienced I am. None of that seems to matter at all.

I am the definition of stuck in a rut. I'm pretty sure that if you type that into google a picture of me pops up.

...actually this comes up:

But that is still super depressing! Oy. Let go and let God is so easy to say. But in practice...

Lord help me.

-Red Headed Realism